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Schema focused cognitive therapy was developed to
treat our underlying maladaptive schema's or dysfunctional personality
traits. These maladaptive schema's play themselves out time after time
in our relationships at work, with our friends, with our families
and are most potent in our closest intimate relationships with our
partners or spouse. When activated they can cause a great deal of
emotional pain and hurt.
With the development of schema therapy and its
increasing popularity in relationship counselling it has become
possible to heal the emotional pain of relationships leading to a deeper
understanding of ourselves and indeed our partners. We seem to have the
highest romantic chemistry for partners who push our emotional buttons.
Schema therapy in relationship counselling is about emotional
intelligence, the ability to recognise when our emotional buttons are
being pressed (our maladaptive schema's) and to learn the ability not to
be drawn down the same path time after time causing much emotional hurt!
One of the most common schema's that can cause
hurt in relationships is the abandonment trait. Like all schema's
it has its origins in childhood and is similar to other schema's in that
it is essentially an immature trait. It is thought that this trait has
its roots in being overprotected in childhood, losing a parent when
young, or a parent who may not have been able to be consistently there
emotionally i.e., due to mental illness or alcoholism. Abandonment makes
us insecure in intimate relationships, and we can become clingy,
jealous, possessive, experience difficulty being away from our partner,
misinterpreting what our partners say as signs that they want to leave
us. The difficulty is that these type of insecurities can end up driving
a partner away and so it becomes like a self fulfilling prophesy.
Another schema which can cause emotional pain,
especially if combined with abandonment is the Mistrust/Abuse
trait. This schema's origins can be found again in childhood where it
may have been modelled off a parent who was mistrustful of people or
someone in your family was emotionally or physically abuseful towards
you. In intimate relationships you may become mistrustful, suspicious or
paranoid about your partner, you may allow your partner to be abuseful
towards you, some people may set up tests for their partners to see if
they are telling the truth, in extreme cases even followed their
partner, or checked mobile phones or spied on them without little or no
concrete proof. Again this type of behaviour serves to push partners
away and is one of the most hurtful destructive traits.
A final example of another maladaptive schema
which effects relationships is the emotional deprivation trait.
Its early origins are from a parent or parents who were cold or
unaffectionate for various reasons. As adults then we may still feel
emotionally deprived and needy. At times there can be "a never enough
quality" about the schema, no matter how much love you get its not
enough. You may have difficulty yourself giving love or you may not ask
your partner to meet your emotional needs and then blame him/her for not
telepathically reading your mind.
The irony of these traits is that the partners
that are likely to create the most romantic chemistry for you are
partners who may abandon you, not be trustworthy and be emotionally cold
and rejecting. Its like you are looking for a partner in the image of
the parental figure who may have mostly contributed to your schema.
"It doesn't make much sense, it doesn't seem very rational but it
follows through regularly." As a result of this you don't get your
needs met and you suffer great pain in your romantic relationships as
your emotional buttons get repeatedly pushed.
Schema focused cognitive therapy in
relationship counselling helps people to break these emotional
habits or schema's and to be able to have more satisfying relationships
with more appropriate partners. It creates a path to personal
development where immature personality traits can be healed and you
become much more comfortable living in your own skin. |
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